New Poem!

Hello again loves,
Forgive me for the bit of darkness in this poem. It pales in comparison to the level of pain I'm currently enduring, but writing definitely helped. I wrote it in a mere matter of minutes; it just came pouring out of me! I'm really fond of it. Many think that pain produces great art. Hopefully you'll enjoy the poetry my pain produced.

~Christina

-Untitled-

Staring at a page of familiar faces

Disgusted at the smiles I see staring back at me

More disgusted that mine is among them

It's all a fallacy

These emotions do not warrant a smile

Not one of truth anyhow

I'm prayerful that mine will return

And lessen this mean, meanwhile.

An Encouraging Word :o)

I stumbled upon this note on Facebook today from a friend of my cousin. I thought I'd share it with you :o)

"I think that one of the things we forget to tell each other, especially our family and friends is that they can do it.

So, I'm writing this note to remind every single person who is reading this, whether you were tagged in this note or not that you can do it.

Whatever seems imposssible, you can do it.

Whatever has always kicked your butt in the past, you can do it.

That class you can't seem to pass, you can do it.

That one skill you have been trying to master for the past several years, you can do it.

The dreams that you have started to let go of because you think you will never really be able to achieve them, you can do it.

The fears that you have never seemed to be able to overcome, you can.

The habits that you have never been able to break, you can break them.

The changes you just can't seem to make, you can make them.

You can do anything and everything.

But, there's one catch.

You can't do it alone.

Only God can help you.

So, let Him help you do that which everyone has said you will never be able to do.

Let Him take you to places you never knew existed.

Let Him unleash the potential that you were born with, that He gave you, that you can feel inside you but just don't know how to harness it.

Because God knows you can do it.

In fact, He created you to do it.

But, do it with Him.

It's the only way."

I hope this note gives you the courage to confidently go forth with God into your future endeavors. 

♥ Christina

The Sound of 3am

The title of this post is much more intriguing than its content. I'm an insomniac so being awake at 3am is an unfortunate but normal occurrence. At 3am this morning I heard an intense knocking on a neighbor's door. Upon answering their door, they were greeted with the news that their car was being repossessed. They had two choices: hand over the keys or have their car towed. It isn't the most wonderful time of year for all. Times are tough for a lot of people so before you complain about sitting in traffic, be thankful you have a car to sit in! Instead of complaining, count your blessings. There's always something to be thankful for.

New Insomnia Low

It's 11:43am. I have not slept yet. I've shied away from taking sleep aids for fear of becoming addicted. It may be time to give in...to a non-addictive option of course. This is a ridiculous cycle. Wow...this is what my life has become thanks to stress. Actually, stress is a grave understatement. I suppose I should attempt to force myself to sleep now. *shakes fist at invisible insomnia supplier* I hope whoever's reading this has a way better start to their day than moi!

until next time...

Well, I thought wrong!

The Monday after Easter, I went out to celebrate my friend's birthday. Her closest girlfriends to took pics by a nearby lake, went to dinner, and joined many other friends for a night of bowling. That was my first time bowling in an actual bowling alley-crazy I know. I'm not too shabby. It was a very fun night. I was glad I wore a cute outfit that day and couldn't wait to see how the pics turned out.

Turns out, I never needed to see the pics. Only one pic has been posted but if that's any indication of what's to come, I don't need to see the rest. I look so fat! I was such a black sheep in the pic. I'm use to being the token black person in my group of friends but this time I was the token fat black girl in a group of beautiful white girls. I almost want to apologize to my friend for ruining her bday pic!

Here I am busting my butt doing Zumba, strength training, eating well, and staying hydrated and for what?!? I know results don't happen overnight but I'm tired of this. I want to feel AND look cute, not feel cute only to realize I looked a fat, hot mess. Well, I had a good cry about it. Nothing left to do but keep chugging along. Hopefully there will be a noticeable difference sooner rather than later.

Inspiration courtesy of Criminal Minds

When you think of inspiration, I highly doubt the crime drama Criminal Minds comes to mind. Surprisingly enough, it was just the inspiration and push I needed to better myself. Every episode features a quote relevat to it's plot. The quote from S6E16 really struck me: 

Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different, yet, tomorrow is too often a repetition of today. ~James T. Mccay

Hearing Reed say this quote was a necessary slap in my face! Tomorrow isn't promised to us. Mccay's quote made me realize that I have spent too much time promising myself that my tomorrow will be different, only to stay in a perpetual state of yesterday. I don't know about you but I don't want to continue wasting whatever time I have being unhappy. I don't want to reflect upon my life and see nothing but a slew of unfulfilled promises. 

So let's talk specifics; what has this quote inspired me to be diligent about?

-Losing weight

-Believing that I'm beautiful RIGHT NOW not when I lose the weight etc.

-Contacting those that can help me remove the blockade that's plagued my life for years and made my future seem bleak

-Being a better example of Christ's love to everyone I come in contact with

-The little things like spring cleaning

The important thing for me is to avoid getting overwhelmed. Multitasking is great until you get to the point where some things are thriving at the expense of others. I've begun working on all of these things and I'm more hopeful and excited about my future than I have been in years. Thank you Criminal Minds!

Poetic Bite #1

Often times I have poetic thoughts... baby poems if you will. I used to think they weren't worth sharing because I didn't turn them into full fledged poems. I don't know where I got that idea. So, here you go...

They say misery loves company
Well don't expect my RSVP
I wash my hands of that negativity
Shake it off
Join me on the bright side for tea



Boom! 

You (New Poem)

You.

Whoever you are

Wherever you are

I want you

To have and to hold

To join the bold

Be my warmth when I’m cold

We can lay in the sun

Go for a run

Do anything

As long as we’re one

Sing with me

Dance with me

Be fancy free

Not musically inclined?

That’s ok babe I still want ya to be mine

My daily valentine

Fingers entwined

Tell me a story

Romantic or gory

And catch me as I fall

Let’s dabble

Let’s travel

Fly away with me

Let’s do it all

I can’t wait to do it all

With you.

♥

And the Christmas countdown begins!

Christmas is upon us and I'm quite excited!  Can't you tell by my new layout? I'm looking forward to decorating, baking cookies, giving presents, getting presents, watching Christmas movies, singing & dancing along to Christmas music etc. One thing I am not looking forward to is some serious cleaning-but that's what has to be done when everyone's coming over to your place for Christmas this year! And of course the one question everyone has regarding this holiday is "what's on your Christmas list?" Well, I normally use this time to just be thankful that God gave his only begotten son to die on the cross for me, for the areas of my life where he has shown me grace, and for having friends and family at all that enjoy spending time with me and even care to buy me presents. It really is the thought that counts. But this year, I know exactly what I want:

-Nintendi wii console so I can play:
      -Just Dance 2
      -Karaoke Revolution: Glee
      -Michael Jackson: The Experience

Singing and dancing are my absolute favorite things so this is without a doubt what I want. The only thing I could want more than this is the Twilight Saga: Eclipse DVD but I won't have to wait for Christmas to get that because it comes out in only TWO DAYS-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! Oh, and I always want clothes lol.

Besides the merriment of the holiday season, I'm merry about the chance to give back. Today will be my first day volunteering for Kids Read Inc. at a local community center. I'll be helping a bunch of 3rd-5th grades who aren't on grade level re: reading, writing, and/or math. I love kids so much and career wise I'd really like to work with troubled youth in some capacity. This volunteering opportunity will be a great way to get more experience working with kids and it'll just be a great way to be helpful ya know. I hope I do a great job. I worked with elem.-high school kids at a homework club in college and let me tell ya, being 23 does not = being smarter than elementary school kids. They are teaching kids very different methods than the methods that were taught to my generation. these kids already aren't on grade level so I can't confuse them further by teaching them my methods lol! I'm sure it'll be fine though...I'm excited :0)

*raises my glass of apple cider*
Here's to cherishing what we have, appreciating what we gain, and not letting that gain include too many pounds ;0) Now go forth & enjoy the most wonderful time of the year <3

Ohhhhh Australia XD

So I should def be doing my Psych of Personality hw like a good insomniac, but I decided to catch up on my YouTube subscriptions instead; I'm just too comfy procrastinating lol. So while watching a vlog, I learned a few things about Australia that I found amusing & thought I'd share...

1) Got a hankering for kangaroo jerky?..well Aus is the place for you!
2) Bangs are called fringes
3) The toilets don't swirls when flushed, the water just gushes straight down. I'd say Aussies have a less exciting flushing experience lol
4) Last but not least, they have a ice cream bar called Golden Gaytime...

Ohhhhhh Australia, haha XD

Wireless Router=Evil!

I want to shank my Netgear wireless router. I realize that would not be wise but it would feel good in the moment lol. All I want is wireless internet-is that too much to ask? My Comcast modem works just fine but who wants to be forced to sit in one spot because they have to plug crap in? No one that's who. And Comcast is plug crazy because they charge $150 for the installation. Seriously, it should not cost that much to plug in a few wires and type some stuff in. I've set up a wireless router before in college and it only took a couple of mins, it was easy peasy. So naturally I was not going to have my mom pay that ridic installation fee and opted to do it myself.

 I set up everything but when I go to connect to my wireless network it says I have excellent signal strength but no internet access...que??? I tried redoing it, Googling answers, and even resorted to Comcast customer service. Lil miss Kristine-if that's her real name, of course gave me the obvious solutions that any common sense person w/ reading skills would try.  So now my last resort is calling Netgear customer service. If that doesn't work...Step1) I'll ave a conniption. Step 2) return router Step 3) get a linksys router which I setup & used w/ Comcast in college and works perfectly fine. But hopefully it won't come to that lol

A Mixed Bag of Fun & Disappointment

Tonight I went to a game night with a bunch of my new friends from my new church. It was AWESOME! I'm an only child so I'm quite deprived when it comes to game experience but I was quite proud of my performance. We played Mad Gab & Encore-neither of which I have previous experience playing & I am happy to say that I dominated Mad Gab!!! That's def a new fave game of mine :0)

After game night, most of us went to the 7-11 down the street for some snackage and parking lot loitering. During that time I said something to a friend of mine. This friend legit took offense to what I said. I was quite shocked because I'm pretty sure if anyone else I know had heard what I said, they would've thought it was funny-as it was intended to be. This friend wasn't personally offended, they're just an uptight Christian and ths felt it was inappropriate. I promise you my statement was no such thing. I'm still shocked that my friend reacted that way! It just really disappointed me to have my friend react that way to such a harmless and funny statement. There's a big diff between where humans draw the line & where Jesus draws the line & I seriously doubt Jesus would've dislike what I said...seriously! I highly dislike discovering uptight Christians, especially if it's someone I considered myself close to. In truth, I've been noticing their uptight nature over time and tonight was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Now I don't feel like I can be myself around my friend. Of course Jesus' judgement is the only one that matters but it still makes for a highly uncomfy situation to be on edge about everything you do or say around someone to avoid tripping their alarm of uptightness. Ah well, I'm just going to have to withhold my true self from my friend and pray that I find Christian friends that don't nitpick...

Yet Another Amazing Church Service

I'm really glad I started going to Covenant Life Church. Seriously, I never use to be excited about going to church or reading the bible, but this church truly makes me happy. I use to think people were lying when they'd put the bible down as one of their favorite books on Facebook, but now I'm one of those people lol!

Covenant Life rotates speakers every week. I like that, it keeps it fresh and interesting to see different pastoring(this prob isn't a word but I'll go with it tee hee) styles. Today's speaker was Josh Harris-my fave speaker thus far. I really needed to hear the message he shared today.  But before I share that message with you I want to let you know that Josh's mom has stage 4 cancer in her liver and is in hospice care. He is so strong in his faith and so selfless for taking time out of his grieving to share a message with us and enrich our faith. He is amazing.

OK so today Josh's message was entitled " A Word to Wives" . Don't worry, singles and those dating and even men got something out of this message but he'll focus on the guys next Sun. I had always that thought that 1 Peter 3:1-6 was very offensive to the modern woman, but that's because no one had ever broken it down for me the way Josh did.
SUBMISSION:
      -Don't think of submission as weakness or inferiority. We submit to institutions of authority i.e. the law because it would be total chaos if we didn't and because God wants us to; he wants us to have stability in our lives. Can you imagine living in a place where there were no rules and everyone just did as they pleased-it may sound glorious at first but things would go south real quick!
       -Submitting to your husband is more about curbing the impulse to fight fire with fire-all that does is create more fire and then...everybody burns-no bueno lol! In any relationship, there are going to be arguments, but someone's gotta give. The bible is suggesting that we as women take the high road and stay humble and pure of heart during those times. Your significant other may not always make the right decisions but putting them down and constantly reminding them of their wrongs doesn't help the situation, encourage them instead.
                  *(1 Peter 2:11)The impulse to fight fire with fire is an evil one. It's the behavior exhibited by those who have their hope in this world instead of in heaven. Fighting to gain power in this world is unnecessary. This is not our home, we're just passing through, and that power will not go with you...

ADORNMENT:
This passage is not saying to never wear clothes, braid your hair, or wear gold jewelry-if that were the case, we'd all be in trouble lol. It's simply saying not to put your hope in beauty, it shouldn't be your primary concern. Today, women use beauty as a weapon to gain power over men, a higher status(esp. in the entertainment industry), or as a means of getting who or what they want. Instead of doing all this, we should focus on our inner beauty. I know, I know, it's a cliche but one that makes a heck of a lot of sense. Ya see, inner beauty is the only kind that is imperishable, and it's precious to God. Why wouldn't you want to cultivate something within yourself that's precious to God?!?
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Josh's message was one that I really needed to hear.
a)I was one of those women that was always offended by this scripture because I didn't really understand it, now I do.
b)I can be very feisty and argumentative. It was good to be reminded that that kind of behavior doesn't always get you where you want to be and isn't very becoming.
c)Not to sound cocky but I've always thought of myself as someone who has inner beauty and doesn't really need to work on that. Doesn't hurt that people's comments have always validated that ("Christina you're so strong, funny, smart, easy to talk to, I admire your faith etc"). For a really long time I've focused on trying to attain outward beauty. I've heard one too many comments that told me I didn't have it ("You're eating again..you're fat enough as it is" or "I'm glad I'm not the only chunky one in the family"). Having friends and family members that fir our society's beauty stereotypes also doesn't help but what can one do-hit their friends and family with an ugly stick?!? AND being Christian means that you know a butload of people who are currently dating, engaged, married, or married with kids. I honestly think settling down is more rampant in among Christians. Yet here I am, 22 having never been liked, let alone been in a relationship. But hearing this message reminded me that I don't want a guy that's only interested me in my looks anyways. If I gained weight or God forbid, had a accident that disfigured me, that guy would leave me in a NY minute! I don't want or deserve that. And focusing on beauty could decrease my focus on God i.e. I could choose to work out to lose weight instead of going to church or having quiet time(reading the bible/prayer & reflection). If God wants for me to be married, it'll happen. Until then, nothing should be more important to me than growing in my faith as a Godly woman.

I hope you got something out of this wonderful message. Happy 4th of July! Until next time...

I've been all over the place!

I have been meaning to update this blog for awhile now but I suddenly acquired  a life! Here's a quick rundown of what I've been up to...

-Dad still trying to talk to me-I'm still happily ignoring him

-Went to Rhode Island for a few days for my cousin's baby shower-it was more like a wedding reception with the amount of guests, presents, the food, DJ, & bartender she had! And I met some pretty gr8 ppl during my visit to RIU to move my cousin into the dorms for the summer(she's a summer counselor there). she has some pretty hott co-workers who are caring as well-who knew that was possible these days?!?!

-Been going to my friend Beth's church for the past month & I've loved every bit f it. It's so nice to feel part of a church family and get to know new ppl-oh how I LOVE meeting new ppl!!! Aside from seeing Beth & my new church friends on Sundays, we've done a yard sale together to raise college $ for our friend Esther. We surprised her with the money last night @ the single's ministry BBQ and she started crying-surprise accomplished! And the BBQ was so much fun. It was gr8 meeting new ppl and getting closer to the ones I'd already met. I hate to get excited about things bc I'm so accustomed to being let down, but I have  a good feeling about that Covenant Life Church. I really love it there so far :0)

-Went to the midnight showing of Eclipse!!!!!!!!!!!! It was well worth my months of anticipation and $, and I can't wait until it comes out on DVD! I'm already ready to watch it again lol. And it was gr8 seeing my friends from college again.

Yup, those are the main things I've been up to thus far this summer and it's been time consuming but quite fun. Next up, my uncle's wedding in Philly July 10th!

Until next time... <3

A good day to a great night..& future!

Today was a good day. It started out like most others, beautiful sunlight streaming in. Spent some quiet time with Jesus and then I went with my mom to get the oil changed in her car. The shop is connected to our mall so we perused to pass time. This resulted in me getting a new headband, shirt, & tote bag-schweet new purchases that I looooove :-) Then I came home and played dress up with m new shirt and took about 20 pics in it-hey, I was having a rare cute moment ok? lol. Then my mom and I had din din together and then watched 'The Proposal'. It was my 2nd time watching it, her 1st. We have a lot going on, and it was great to spend the day with her & make her laugh before heading back to work and dealing with reality again tomorrow.

When my mom retired for the evening, I decided to go to my room and do a little channel flipping on the tele (that' pronounced 'telly' for those of you who didn't catch my attempt at a British accent). I decided to watch the latest sermon by Pastor Joel Osteen-best 30 mins of television I've ever watched! His sermon really lit a fire under my butt, put pep in my step, inspired me etc. It was sermon #427 "Being Excellent in the Workplace", a title I highly disagree with because it covered so much more than that. I jotted down parts of the sermon that really spoke to me:

.Colossians 3:23 -Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.
.Being excellent = doing the right thing even when no one is looking
.Don't take the easy way out; sooner or later your sins will catch up to you. Make the decision to be excellent.
.Everyone of us can be excellent at something
.Your performance gives you a platform
      -develop your character & skill in such a way that will earn you the respect of others
      -whatever you do,get better at it, always look to improve your skill level
      -be proactive about your growth/sharpening your skills & God will open doors for you
.Matthew 5:41 If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.
      -do more than expected-go the extra mile!

I had been praying a lot lately for motivation and God answered my prayers in the form of this sermon! Everyone tells me that I'm so optimistic and cheerful, but I am only like that with others. I have a very hard time being optimistic and cheerful towards myself and my own issues. And thus, I have a very hard time being motivated to reach a state of happiness. It doesn't help that I'm always the one doing the caring and not being cared about. Even the strong need help and encouragement sometimes. But this sermon, it truly made me feel motivated for once! It made me want to try my hardest in every aspect in my life, and to do so with enthusiasm. Why? Because I work for God not for men, and living this way will bring Him glory. As Joel Osteen said, people may never read the bible but they will read you. I want my book to read as one that makes God smile, gains respect, and reflects the fruits of the spirit ( love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control-Galatians 5:22-23) ...my spirit. I am really looking forward to seeing how I can continuously apply what I've learned to the various aspects of my life. Hope everyone had a wonderful memorial day weekend. Until next time...<3

Emotionally Taxed

For the last couple of days I've been crying, for seemingly no reason at all. Sounds crazy doesn't it? I guess I've been crying at random times for a multitude of reasons, the main one being that I'm tired...

I'm tired of dealing with my father. He has never been there for me and I have become accustomed to that. I wish he would stop his current ludicrous attempt to form a relationship with me. He had the nerve to try to appeal to my being Christian and coaxing me to forgive and forget. Ha! Sure, the bible says to forgive but it doesn't say a damn thing about forgetting. I may forgive him in due time but forget-I can't and I won't. In all actuality, he hasn't even given me anything to forgive! He hasn't sown one bit of remorse for not being there, no apology, nothing. Sow hat am I supposed to forgive??? He also tried to tell me that it's God's timing that we reconcile. Well, if that were true then I would currently be open to reconciling with him-which clearly I am not. People have a habit of claiming their own agenda and timing as God's-he is one of those people. He also had the nerve to tell me that I'm not the only kid he has that is estranged-oh yea, that makes me feel sooo much better. What a douche. I heavily resent that he's blaming our estrangement on me. Me not wanting to reconcile with him at he age of 22 is his fault. I did not choose to grow up without him. He chose to ignore my existence. Now he must suffer the consequences.

I'm tired of feeling left behind. Those who know me very well know that there are circumstances beyond my control that have stopped me from leading a normal life. I haven't been afforded the rites of passage over the years that my peers have. I want to be able to live up to my full potential for once. I may be able to do that soon but my defense mechanism of not getting my hopes up only to be crushed, is kicking in. It doesn't help that a core group of my friends are graduating college in a few days and moving onto real life. They're just another set of people that  will most likely go on to be happy and successful and leave me behind. That's what my life has amounted to, getting close to wonderful ppl only to have them move on without me. I'm use to it but it doesn't get any easier. I'm happy for my friends but I don't want to lose them. I know our separation may not be intentional but it sure seems inevitable. When graduation happens in a few days, everyone will move back to their respective home towns, go to grad school or take a break and travel or begin working. And along the way they will make new friends, friends that will be close to them in proximity, and thus become the friends and eventually family that they choose to spend their time with. I understand that I could be jumping the gun because I might in fact keep these friends. But if you had the life that I have, you would opt to think pessimistically about this as well. I understand this evolution of relationships in life but I don't have to like it...and trust me, I don't.

I guess I've also been crying out of fear. I've always been stopped from doing from numerous things because of circumstances beyond my control. But if these circumstances clear up, I will no longer have an excuse to keep living the unfulfilling, mediocre life I've become accustomed to. If I fail at life once I truly start to live it, I alone will be culpable. It's quite a scary thought but I won't have a chance to succeed either if I don't realize that I'm capable and worth success, and try my hardest to achieve it. An Ingrid Michaelson song lyric comes to mind regarding this sitch "I want to change the world, instead, I sleep". I get so overwhelmed when I think of all the things I want to do and the person I want to be and sometimes I literally shut down and cry or sleep.  I've got to stop doing that and face my future head on. I've go to push through the current fatigue that is my life. It will be hard to do, especially since I feel virtually alone, but I have to dry my eyes and try...

Touched by the death of a stranger

Facebook. If you have an account, you know that the news feed does not run on a need to know basis. My news feed showed me that my friend Joel was now friends with 4 new people; one of their profile pics immediately caught my eye-it was a pic of a gorgeous guy of course. Naturally, the nosy posy/creeper in me came out to play and I clicked on the profile pic. I quickly became confused because the pic did not match the name-a gorgeous guy named Abbey? I mean, I guess it could happen, there are guys named Leslie, Terry, etc. right? Sadly, this was not the case of a guy with a traditionally female name. Abbey had changed her profile pic to one of her late friend Jordan Logan-the gorgeous guy.

Upon realizing this my heart sank. I dug a little deeper to find out just who this world had now lost and the information I found literally made me weep. He was 22- the same age as me. It really made me stop and think ya know. Why did another wonderful person have to leave this world so soon? And right before Mother's Day! It brings me back to freshman year of college when my friend Justin Fisher passed away  a few days before Mother's Day as well. Burying your child is horrific enough without having to do so near that holiday! Learning more about Jordan really motivates me to try to truly live, because you really never know when that option will no longer exist. I'm glad he toughed so many people before his passing, it would have been lovely to know him. His family and loved ones are definitely in my prayers <3

See for yourself what a great person the world lost:
1) http://www.kypost.com/content/wcposhared/story/Family-Speaks-After-Death-Of-Young-Ludlow-Teacher/twfofkVUsEia9NVLCkjnLw.cspx

2) http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2204341577&ref=ts#!/profile.php?id=179900232&ref=ts

My father-22 yrs later he decides to care!

I am currently going crazy. My father has been incessantly trying to talk to me since Christmas '09, yet he hasn't said anything worth my while. He's acting as if he just hasn't talked to me in a week and he's calling to catch up...*NEWS FLASH*-u haven't been around for 22 yrs homeboy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is being awful selfish. My theory is that he's going through a midlife crisis and is just NOW feeling bad for not being present in the lives of some of his children. The man has 7 kids(me being the oldest) with 4 different women for goodness' sake! I'm proud of my mom for being the only woman who was smart enough to not have more than 1 kid with him-yaaay mom! I can literally count on my fingers the times that he has interacted with me in my 22 yrs of existence...

1) me my dad and my next 2 siblings chronologically when i was 5 or 6
2)he came to my kindergarten graduation
3) he brought me a bday present in 1st grade (a doll that u could feed-it peed on him muah ha ha ha!)
4) he brought his entire side of the family to surprise me for my 2nd grade bday party
5) i spent a couple days with him and my next 2 siblings in Staten Is. one summer. too bad he was never actually around us, we were home alone or he dropped us off to this lady's house (he happens to be currently married to her btw)
5)high school graduation
6)high school graduation party
....yup, that's all i remember. Shameful on his part ain't it!

I mean yea, there were phone convos but they did not help our nonexistent relationship at all. Why the heck would you say to your child "I don't call you because you don't call me" ??? Really? Wow...

I have the kind of personality that allows me to easily adapt to situations presented to me, and 22 yrs was more than enough time for me to adapt to not having a father in my life. Honest to God I'm so glad that he wasn't present in my life. Not being daddy's little girl' or having a positive male role model in my life really toughened me up. If your own parent can go to sleep at night not knowing how their child is doing, why should I expect anybody else to care about me? Thanks to him I don't have lofty expectations of being cared about by others, I'm too much of a realist for that. Talk is cheap so people really do have to prove to me that they care. I try really hard not to put up a wall though, it's not fair to make others pay for his mistakes ya know. But when people do indeed wrong me, it's not a big deal because my father's abandonment already prepared me for it. I refuse to sit there in a bathrobe crying my eyes out in a pint of ice cream bc someone decided not to care about me. Quite frankly it's their loss. I know who I am and I know what I'm worth. Thus, I will not stand to be treated like crap. And I'm not going to be one of those weak minded people that waste time feeling bad because someone doesn't want to be in my life, I know dang well they're going on with their life without me so why shouldn't I do the same?

I stand by the theory that my dad is attempting to call me bc he feels like a douche for ignoring my existence, and he deserves to feel that way. I am a wonderful person. I have a big heart, I'm funny, I'm intelligent, I'm musical, I'm poetic, and most importantly I am a one of a kind child of God-He's the only father I need. As for my biological father-he's missed out on a lot that he can never get back or make up for. From my perspective, being a parent is a privilege and he gave up the privilege of knowing and being loved by me a long time ago. It was his choice and now he has to live with it. The Godly woman in me forgives him, but she sure will not forget...

The 2H Experience

2H is the headquarter of my core group of friends since college. I lived their with one of my besties Colbi my sophomore year, and 3 years later it became the home of so many more besties...and their friends...and their boyfriends lol. Now, most of the 2H inhabitants are weeks away from graduation so I thought it was only fitting to chronicle our time together.  Hmmm, where to begin about the 2H experience. Well, I can tell you that there's never really a dull moment. Even when it's uneventful, it's fun! That's how you know you're truly comfortable with someone-when you can collectively sit there with your laptops and do work...or get on Facebook ;-) There have been so many good times there: movie nights, baking, family din dins, game nights, shots!,venting sessions, cuddling sessions on the day bed, group hw time, doing each others' hair and makeup, the masquerade party, my surprise 22nd bday party, Rachel's surprise 21st sleepover (where we were surprised by 5 random guys lol), shopping, Criminal Minds marathons...the list goes on! I'll even miss the complaints about ppl not doing their dishes, or their chores in general lol. Oh and let's not forget the epic decorations like the Harry Potter and Twilight Saga posters, window drawings, picture tree, and let's not forget the rules! Ah yes, the rules...a late night/early morning concoction. Here are a few of my faves:

Rule #537: Do not take your pants off unless told to do so or if its Tuesday at 2pm.
Rule #12: When making animal noises, please impersonate the rest of the animal too.
Rule #86: If you choose to scare another apartment member, do so as creepily as possible.
Rule # 823 3/4: Do not walk outside barefoot, you will get an STD. That means you!
Rule # 813: If you say the word jizz you must then repeat it again by yelling it out the window.
Rule #673: If you see a member of the apartment on campus you MUST snap and dance like you are in West Side Story.
Rule #1: If you're going to be mean, share with the class.
Rule 371: We like musicals so once in a while just bust into song and dance.


I mean seriously, no other group of people could create such awesomeness!
On a more serious note, I use to cry as I prayed to have a legitimately good group of friends. I can honestly say that my prayers were answered when I met the 2H gang. I thank them so much for loving me, I really do. It saddens me that this experience is coming to an end but I wish them all the best in their future endeavors and can't wait to see the wonderful lives we all create for ourselves.  I know that life can, and probably will take us to so many different ends of the world, but I know in my heart that some of the people in this group will be in my life forever. I can't wait to grow old with them. So to Kristen, Rachel, Miriam, David, Jessalyn, Kevin, Brian, Jess Drap, Laura, Bryan, Julie, Anca, Catherine, Sharon, Ben, Becky, Paul, Danny,CC, and anyone I may have missed-I feel truly blessed to have shared so many wonderful times with you and I thank you for loving me <3 <3 <3

So happy I could frolic!

Yes, t'is true, I'm so happy I could frolic! Why? Heck if I know! I suppose I'm just high on life! As if one really needs a reason to be happy lol. But if I were to try and pinpoint the source(s) of my happy-go-lucky demeanor, they would stem from the little pleasures of today. I'm hail from the rare unspoiled-only child breed so it doesn't take a lot to amuse me. That's something I'm really proud of actually because life's a lot easier to get through and much more enjoyable when you can find pleasure in the little things :-) Here were today's joyful little things:
-going to the mall w/ my mommy
-getting lunch, CDs, flip flops, but MOST IMPORTANTLY: a hooded cookie monster towel AND an 8 pack of Keebler cookie flavored lip balm!!!!!! *sidenote* my friend Tim was the one who actually told me about cookie flavored lip balm and I joked with him that I had to find some to wear in prep for my 1st kiss. Yes I'm 22 and still haven't been kissed but you better believe it'll be a tasty one when it happens lol!!!
-uploading pics of those 2 fantabulous purchases to my facebook and having my friends leave comments showing that they appreciate those purchases too-i mean c'mon, who doesn't like cookie related things?!?
-watching the new ABCFamily movie: Beauty & the Briefcase and loving it! It was surprisingly unpredictable and really funny!
-getting a loving Facebook msg from a friend <3
-getting a text from one of my best friends, which gave me something to look fwd to bc she's gonna call me tmrw and tell me all about her night w/ a special someone-can't wait!!!
-hugging & kissing my adorable mommy goodnight

Each of these things are quite tiny, and maybe even meaningless to some. But to me, each of them matter, bring me joy, and served to give me one of the happiest days I've had in a long time. It's a beautiful thing when one has the ability to be happy in the middle of a storm. I often times feel like my life has been a series of storms but in the words of Rose Kennedy, "Birds sing right after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" With that said, I'm going to continue enjoying being jolly :-)