Dance of Despondence

t'is the season for giving

it's the most wonderful time of the year

but we've been taken from yet again

t'is the season of my life i fear

if t'is true we're not given anything we can't handle

then think weakness of me i pray

for i'm tired of this cycle of suffering

i can't keep going on this way

they say i'm an eternal optimist

ah, if they only knew the truth

beneath this jovial mask lies a frown

these woes corrode my youth

oh how i wish that mask were my reality

i tire of carrying this brood

but happiness seems to evade me

as my life story alludes

time is not promised to us

it may not heal all

but in the time i do have

i hope to find this isn't all...

New Poem: 'Pere'

I say 'new poem' as if I've been posting poems on this blog. I've been writing poems for a while now and in the past I've posted them on my xanga, and as facebook notes. Now that I have this blog, I thought I'd post any poems I write on here as well-not that anyone reads this blog. It comforts me just to know my poetic works are eternalized somewhere. Anywho, here goes...

~Pere~

I wish I could sever the line of blood that keeps us eternally linked

What good is a link without a connection

I hate this hold that you have on me, may always have on me

You don't deserve it

Absence.

That's all I've received from you

Yet you're ever present in my heart and mind

You've affected me

Made me stronger yet weakened me

You've influenced me

Who I was, am, and want to be...what I want from life

I want out.

Out of this emotional misery that resides within

I want o be present for my loved ones, my kin

You'll never know just how much you hurt me

Nor do I think you'd care

Yet you're the one I feel sorry for

You threw a blessing on the cutting room floor

You can never make up for what you've missed

The damage is done

But this is an ongoing battle and I look forward to saying I've won.

Holiday Guilt

Christmas...some say it's the most wonderful time of the year. That's not the case for everyone. don't get me wrong, i love Christmas-decorations, hot chocolate, happy children, Christmas movies galore, Christmas music-these things warm my heart. Yet like many other holidays, presents have become an integral part of Christmas. I love the feeling of giving and seeing the joy it brings to its recipients, but presents are hard to come by when you're in a financial bind. 09 has been a very tough year for me, arguably the hardest year of my life. I don't have the finances to give the way I'd like to. I could get away with going the home made route but that is very time consuming, and funds are still necessary to get the supplies needed to create home made presents. This wouldn't be a problem if I was antisocial but alas, I am a social butterfly. My friends have been contacting me left and right to get my address so I know I'm getting presents and at the very least, cards. hate knowing that I'm going to receive presents when I won't be able to return the favor. And I don't care about giving anything to my family because we're not close-my mom is the only one I really care to give to during the holidays. Sigh...I just feel guilty not being able to give to my friends like I would if I had funds, but that's the way Santa's cookies crumbled. I haven't had a truly happy holiday season in years; i can't wait to have this spell broken...