Dance of Despondence

t'is the season for giving

it's the most wonderful time of the year

but we've been taken from yet again

t'is the season of my life i fear

if t'is true we're not given anything we can't handle

then think weakness of me i pray

for i'm tired of this cycle of suffering

i can't keep going on this way

they say i'm an eternal optimist

ah, if they only knew the truth

beneath this jovial mask lies a frown

these woes corrode my youth

oh how i wish that mask were my reality

i tire of carrying this brood

but happiness seems to evade me

as my life story alludes

time is not promised to us

it may not heal all

but in the time i do have

i hope to find this isn't all...

New Poem: 'Pere'

I say 'new poem' as if I've been posting poems on this blog. I've been writing poems for a while now and in the past I've posted them on my xanga, and as facebook notes. Now that I have this blog, I thought I'd post any poems I write on here as well-not that anyone reads this blog. It comforts me just to know my poetic works are eternalized somewhere. Anywho, here goes...

~Pere~

I wish I could sever the line of blood that keeps us eternally linked

What good is a link without a connection

I hate this hold that you have on me, may always have on me

You don't deserve it

Absence.

That's all I've received from you

Yet you're ever present in my heart and mind

You've affected me

Made me stronger yet weakened me

You've influenced me

Who I was, am, and want to be...what I want from life

I want out.

Out of this emotional misery that resides within

I want o be present for my loved ones, my kin

You'll never know just how much you hurt me

Nor do I think you'd care

Yet you're the one I feel sorry for

You threw a blessing on the cutting room floor

You can never make up for what you've missed

The damage is done

But this is an ongoing battle and I look forward to saying I've won.

Holiday Guilt

Christmas...some say it's the most wonderful time of the year. That's not the case for everyone. don't get me wrong, i love Christmas-decorations, hot chocolate, happy children, Christmas movies galore, Christmas music-these things warm my heart. Yet like many other holidays, presents have become an integral part of Christmas. I love the feeling of giving and seeing the joy it brings to its recipients, but presents are hard to come by when you're in a financial bind. 09 has been a very tough year for me, arguably the hardest year of my life. I don't have the finances to give the way I'd like to. I could get away with going the home made route but that is very time consuming, and funds are still necessary to get the supplies needed to create home made presents. This wouldn't be a problem if I was antisocial but alas, I am a social butterfly. My friends have been contacting me left and right to get my address so I know I'm getting presents and at the very least, cards. hate knowing that I'm going to receive presents when I won't be able to return the favor. And I don't care about giving anything to my family because we're not close-my mom is the only one I really care to give to during the holidays. Sigh...I just feel guilty not being able to give to my friends like I would if I had funds, but that's the way Santa's cookies crumbled. I haven't had a truly happy holiday season in years; i can't wait to have this spell broken...

You Are Not My Family...

I just finished watching a few episodes that I had missed of the show Private Practice. In the last episode that I watched, the character Addison said a few words to her father that I could truly identify with, & it made me want to write a few things about my own notion of family...

To those who have burned me:

You are not my family. I have a family. One that I did have a say in creating. I was fortunate enough to find them in college, some even in grade school. They know me, truly know me-my likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams and struggles. We are present in each other's lives, choosing not to acknowledge each other's existence only once in a blue moon or during the holidays. They have been there for me through the good and the bad, unlike those who choose to show up only after I've found success. If you don't bother to take a journey with someone, how can you expect to celebrate with them once they've reached their destination? My family loves me, unconditionally. They know my dirt and do not judge me. They want me to be happy. They have not abandoned me, called me names, gossiped about me,or made jokes/comments at the expense of my self-esteem. They don't expect anything from me. All they want is for me to be happy, and I want the same for them. One would think that would be the ultimate goal that family members had for each other, yet I have met many who are too selfish to follow that train of thought. I don't know how others do it...get past the walls that are immediately built once you're burned. You chose to burn me. As a sane person, I refuse to associate with anyone who consciously chooses to hurt me. How and why others choose to reconnect with those that have hurt them-I haven't the foggiest idea. I know what my idea of family is & it does not include you. You were removed from this beautiful union once you decided it was okay to hurt someone that you supposedly love. If that is your idea of love, I want no part of it. But your hurtful actions toward me were not in vain. They helped me realize what it feels like to find people who actually love me, just for being me. My family-you know who you are. I love you and thank you for loving me in return. To those who have burned me, it is truly your loss.

~A healed burn victim

Epic 22nd Bday Week

I realize that what I consider epic as a 22 yr old may be considered dorky or ridic to others but that's fine. I take pleasure in the little things and I thought it'd be nice to capture the epicness of this bday in a blog...

Thursday Nov 19th:

. dancing to a Jonas Brothers 'Burning Up' musical card in the Wal Mart aisle

.road trip to SU w/ Ashley & Big Donkey

.CRU

.standing in line for 45 mins eating Twilight Saga sweetheart candies w/ the girls while waiting to enter the theatre in which New Moon was showing @ midnight

.standing in line for 40 mins w/ Catherine getting drinks 4 our friends

.seeing a random movie goer carry around a life size cut out of Edward Cullen

.seeing a random movie goer dress up as the bad vampire James-despite the fact that James died in Twilight...weird.

.receiving numerous compliments on my Edward shirt

.watching New Moon-FANTASTIC, WORTH EVERY PENNY, WORTH WATCHING MULTIPLE TIMES!!!

*New Moon Critique*-Chris Weitz is a fabulous director and should direct the rest of the saga movies bc he blew Catherine Hardwicke's adaptation of Twilight out of the water!!! I'm glad KStew finally gained some acting chops. I'm also glad that it stayed true t othe book. All in all it was a bajillion times better than Twilight, made me a very happy camper, & I can't wait to see it again!!!

.got home from the movie around 2:35am but didn't sleep til about 6am due to sheer leftover New Moon excitement & watching Julie clean her fish tank in an effort to save her fish

Friday November 20th:

.Meeting the infamous David-Miriam's bf whom I'd heard so much about. All the stories were true-he is a sweetheart, & really does look like Jacob Black/Taylor Lautner from the Twilight Saga!!! Miriam's a lucky girl & if he has to be taken, I'm glad it's by an awesome girl like her :)

.Masquerade Party/Kaite's 20th bday celebration

-playing pong 4 the 1st time

-everyone being dressed up complete w/ masks

-Kaite's usual drunk crying

-Marshall's pants splitting in the crotch due to dancing to 'single ladies'

Saturday November 21st:

.commons w/ the gang for brunch in our pjs as we recovered from the masquerade party the night b4

.Rachel's suprise 20th bday sleepover

-balloon popping drinking game(pop a balloon=1 shot, pop beach ball sized balloon=3 shots)

-pin the tail on the donkey

-mash-i'm going to live in marry ethan peck who will be a pediatrician, i'll be a youth counselor, we'll drive a mazda v6, have 11 kids-one of which will be nam ed brookly, n live in a house-loooove it!!

-spoooons!! w/ dora, diego, & anca's naked men cards-it's always the seemingly innocent ppl that own raunchy things like that lol

-meeting the bigger or better guys frm SU/Liberty:Dave, David, Garrett, Derek, & Will

-dance party: cotton eyed joe, cupid shuffle, cha cha slide, booty call-all 2x of course

-indoor volleyball w/ Dave using the huge balloon

-going w/ Catherine & Kristen to redbox for 'the ugly truth' and running into Allison; also running into a man who told us he thought he'd walked into a pretty girl convention...laaame!

-being surprised by how much the girls snored & moaned(Julie) in their sleep!!

Sunday November 22nd:

.Colbi hangout session

-IHOP bday treat from Colbi -i went w/ the festive pumpkin pancakes-delish!!

-taking her mind off of her breakup w/ her bf of 5 yrs

-finding out that she played piano!-itz always cool learning something new about my faves

-she baked me choco chip cookies!!!(i'm a cookie fiend)

-wanting to kill the self check out machine in Giant when i purchased the pumpkin pie w/ her for the impending 2h thnxgiving dinner!!

Monday November 23rd:

.hanging out w/ Christie in the student activities office like old times and getting a princess bday card fro her/ a hint that she may get me an edward cullen pillow 4 xmas!! <3

.2h thnxgiving din din

-Jessalyn's paula deen moment

-place mat coloring extravaganza!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-skipping out early to go to the al anon mtng required by my sowk class

-returning to be surprised w/ an early bday celebration(my bday was the next day but everyone was gonna be in class & on their way home for turkey lurkey break so it was more fitting to celebrate it a day early)

-they baked me a cookie cake :D

-i opened presents: Catherine decorated a pic frame n put the girls masquerade party photo inside, everyone chipped in to get me a blue ipod nano!!! n a mixed cd, Hobbles made me a Jacob Black card despite the fact that i'm team edward lol & everyone signed it :)

Tues November 24th:

.My 22nd bday

.the 2h gang packed and got ready to head home for turkey lurkey break

.we colored some of the leftover thnxgiving place mats

.my bestie Alex & i drove home 2gether for turkey lurkey break-I didn't realize how much i'd missed him!!!

-we made a pit stop to his new apt-love it. he had baked maple snickerdoodles & a $30 itunes gift card complete w/ a sweet bday msg-he knows just how to warm my heart <3

*highlightof the whole week=being the designated hairdresser & receiving so many loving hugs*

Yeah, this was an epic bday wk for me, but spending time w/ ur chosen family always is...

Insomnia Spiel

5:10am and I haven't slept a wink. This is completely normal for an insomniac like myself. I normally hit the hay (ooh another phrase I want to know the origin of...I'll get to that in a jiff...ooh that's another one...) around 7-8am. Good thing my classes are online!! Anywho, during tonight's bout of insomnia I did the usual combo-tv, facebook, and youtube. I freakin looooove Mitchell Davis' videos:

http://www.youtube.com/user/livelavalive

While watching a plethora of these fan-freakin-tastic videos, I came up with a few of my own topics that I'd rant about if I had a vlog...

1) Where the heck do certain phrases come from?!

i.e. hold your horses, don't have a cow, in a jiff, etc.

2) My favorite features on a human-my personal faves are dimples and freckles!!

3) What do other people do during their insomnia?

4) What's your 'shame show'? Ya know-that show you're ashamed of watching like it's your job...

5) This isn't really a topic but I'd love to upload myself doing covers of my fave songs. Yes, I truly can sing-I'm not a delusional American Idol hopeful :P

6) Who created emoticons?

-Oh c'mon, I can't be the only one who's ever wondered about these topics...can I? Ah well, if I'm a lone wolf in this thought process I'll just chalk it up to taking the mental road less traveled-tee hee :P(Yes, I realize this is my 2nd time using this emoticon and I don't care-so there!)

Yup, those are the topics I'd vlog about if I ever tried to be a vlogger. I mean, I do in fact own a youtube account but I really got it just so I could have access to and make playlists galore of my fave music artists and stuff..yeaaaaaa. Also, I don't own a Mac and I think that seriously hampers my ability to reach the xenith of my vlogging abilities. I hear windows movie maker is good for us non Mac owners so I might dabble in that. Alright I think I'm done.

X-Tina out!

Going Steady

It's the aftermath of Halloween. Children are recovering from eating entirely too much candy in one sitting, female adults are dancing the night away in their slutty costume best-trying to attract the zombie in the corner of course. And me, well, I'm watching The Cosby Show on TV Land. You wouldn't think it, but watching TV Land and even Nick @ Nite is a popular pastime of college students. Tonight's episode of The Cosby Show featured the happenings of Vanessa's Halloween Party. Sweet little Vanessa was over the moon with excitement about her party. Ya see, Robert Forman was going to be in attendance!! Vanessa was crushing on Robert big time. The party didn't go as smoothly as she would've liked but low and behold-Robert asked her to go study by the end of it. Dreams do come true!!...Not!!

Will someone please explain to me what happened to such pure relationships? Today, if you even mentioned the phrase 'going steady' you'll probably be looked upon as a crack head. OK admittedly, it's a stupid phrase, but I love what it represents. Vanessa & Robert came to the conclusion that going steady = Robert walking her to school, talking on the phone and holding hands-cute right? Nowadays you're lucky if you can even get a guy to look you in the eye. They say 'sex sells', but the saying should be 'sex consumes'. It seems as if men just want sex. Heaven forbid you try to get to know one another and actually... ya know...talk. And people wonder why the divorce rate is 50% and rising. I don't know about you, but I want to go back to the days when a guy looked at a girl and saw her not as a sexual conquest, but as someone worth getting to know. I'm more than boobs, a tucus, and a va-jj. 3 cheers for going steady-ra ra ra!!