A good day to a great night..& future!

Today was a good day. It started out like most others, beautiful sunlight streaming in. Spent some quiet time with Jesus and then I went with my mom to get the oil changed in her car. The shop is connected to our mall so we perused to pass time. This resulted in me getting a new headband, shirt, & tote bag-schweet new purchases that I looooove :-) Then I came home and played dress up with m new shirt and took about 20 pics in it-hey, I was having a rare cute moment ok? lol. Then my mom and I had din din together and then watched 'The Proposal'. It was my 2nd time watching it, her 1st. We have a lot going on, and it was great to spend the day with her & make her laugh before heading back to work and dealing with reality again tomorrow.

When my mom retired for the evening, I decided to go to my room and do a little channel flipping on the tele (that' pronounced 'telly' for those of you who didn't catch my attempt at a British accent). I decided to watch the latest sermon by Pastor Joel Osteen-best 30 mins of television I've ever watched! His sermon really lit a fire under my butt, put pep in my step, inspired me etc. It was sermon #427 "Being Excellent in the Workplace", a title I highly disagree with because it covered so much more than that. I jotted down parts of the sermon that really spoke to me:

.Colossians 3:23 -Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.
.Being excellent = doing the right thing even when no one is looking
.Don't take the easy way out; sooner or later your sins will catch up to you. Make the decision to be excellent.
.Everyone of us can be excellent at something
.Your performance gives you a platform
      -develop your character & skill in such a way that will earn you the respect of others
      -whatever you do,get better at it, always look to improve your skill level
      -be proactive about your growth/sharpening your skills & God will open doors for you
.Matthew 5:41 If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.
      -do more than expected-go the extra mile!

I had been praying a lot lately for motivation and God answered my prayers in the form of this sermon! Everyone tells me that I'm so optimistic and cheerful, but I am only like that with others. I have a very hard time being optimistic and cheerful towards myself and my own issues. And thus, I have a very hard time being motivated to reach a state of happiness. It doesn't help that I'm always the one doing the caring and not being cared about. Even the strong need help and encouragement sometimes. But this sermon, it truly made me feel motivated for once! It made me want to try my hardest in every aspect in my life, and to do so with enthusiasm. Why? Because I work for God not for men, and living this way will bring Him glory. As Joel Osteen said, people may never read the bible but they will read you. I want my book to read as one that makes God smile, gains respect, and reflects the fruits of the spirit ( love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control-Galatians 5:22-23) ...my spirit. I am really looking forward to seeing how I can continuously apply what I've learned to the various aspects of my life. Hope everyone had a wonderful memorial day weekend. Until next time...<3

Emotionally Taxed

For the last couple of days I've been crying, for seemingly no reason at all. Sounds crazy doesn't it? I guess I've been crying at random times for a multitude of reasons, the main one being that I'm tired...

I'm tired of dealing with my father. He has never been there for me and I have become accustomed to that. I wish he would stop his current ludicrous attempt to form a relationship with me. He had the nerve to try to appeal to my being Christian and coaxing me to forgive and forget. Ha! Sure, the bible says to forgive but it doesn't say a damn thing about forgetting. I may forgive him in due time but forget-I can't and I won't. In all actuality, he hasn't even given me anything to forgive! He hasn't sown one bit of remorse for not being there, no apology, nothing. Sow hat am I supposed to forgive??? He also tried to tell me that it's God's timing that we reconcile. Well, if that were true then I would currently be open to reconciling with him-which clearly I am not. People have a habit of claiming their own agenda and timing as God's-he is one of those people. He also had the nerve to tell me that I'm not the only kid he has that is estranged-oh yea, that makes me feel sooo much better. What a douche. I heavily resent that he's blaming our estrangement on me. Me not wanting to reconcile with him at he age of 22 is his fault. I did not choose to grow up without him. He chose to ignore my existence. Now he must suffer the consequences.

I'm tired of feeling left behind. Those who know me very well know that there are circumstances beyond my control that have stopped me from leading a normal life. I haven't been afforded the rites of passage over the years that my peers have. I want to be able to live up to my full potential for once. I may be able to do that soon but my defense mechanism of not getting my hopes up only to be crushed, is kicking in. It doesn't help that a core group of my friends are graduating college in a few days and moving onto real life. They're just another set of people that  will most likely go on to be happy and successful and leave me behind. That's what my life has amounted to, getting close to wonderful ppl only to have them move on without me. I'm use to it but it doesn't get any easier. I'm happy for my friends but I don't want to lose them. I know our separation may not be intentional but it sure seems inevitable. When graduation happens in a few days, everyone will move back to their respective home towns, go to grad school or take a break and travel or begin working. And along the way they will make new friends, friends that will be close to them in proximity, and thus become the friends and eventually family that they choose to spend their time with. I understand that I could be jumping the gun because I might in fact keep these friends. But if you had the life that I have, you would opt to think pessimistically about this as well. I understand this evolution of relationships in life but I don't have to like it...and trust me, I don't.

I guess I've also been crying out of fear. I've always been stopped from doing from numerous things because of circumstances beyond my control. But if these circumstances clear up, I will no longer have an excuse to keep living the unfulfilling, mediocre life I've become accustomed to. If I fail at life once I truly start to live it, I alone will be culpable. It's quite a scary thought but I won't have a chance to succeed either if I don't realize that I'm capable and worth success, and try my hardest to achieve it. An Ingrid Michaelson song lyric comes to mind regarding this sitch "I want to change the world, instead, I sleep". I get so overwhelmed when I think of all the things I want to do and the person I want to be and sometimes I literally shut down and cry or sleep.  I've got to stop doing that and face my future head on. I've go to push through the current fatigue that is my life. It will be hard to do, especially since I feel virtually alone, but I have to dry my eyes and try...

Touched by the death of a stranger

Facebook. If you have an account, you know that the news feed does not run on a need to know basis. My news feed showed me that my friend Joel was now friends with 4 new people; one of their profile pics immediately caught my eye-it was a pic of a gorgeous guy of course. Naturally, the nosy posy/creeper in me came out to play and I clicked on the profile pic. I quickly became confused because the pic did not match the name-a gorgeous guy named Abbey? I mean, I guess it could happen, there are guys named Leslie, Terry, etc. right? Sadly, this was not the case of a guy with a traditionally female name. Abbey had changed her profile pic to one of her late friend Jordan Logan-the gorgeous guy.

Upon realizing this my heart sank. I dug a little deeper to find out just who this world had now lost and the information I found literally made me weep. He was 22- the same age as me. It really made me stop and think ya know. Why did another wonderful person have to leave this world so soon? And right before Mother's Day! It brings me back to freshman year of college when my friend Justin Fisher passed away  a few days before Mother's Day as well. Burying your child is horrific enough without having to do so near that holiday! Learning more about Jordan really motivates me to try to truly live, because you really never know when that option will no longer exist. I'm glad he toughed so many people before his passing, it would have been lovely to know him. His family and loved ones are definitely in my prayers <3

See for yourself what a great person the world lost:
1) http://www.kypost.com/content/wcposhared/story/Family-Speaks-After-Death-Of-Young-Ludlow-Teacher/twfofkVUsEia9NVLCkjnLw.cspx

2) http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2204341577&ref=ts#!/profile.php?id=179900232&ref=ts

My father-22 yrs later he decides to care!

I am currently going crazy. My father has been incessantly trying to talk to me since Christmas '09, yet he hasn't said anything worth my while. He's acting as if he just hasn't talked to me in a week and he's calling to catch up...*NEWS FLASH*-u haven't been around for 22 yrs homeboy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is being awful selfish. My theory is that he's going through a midlife crisis and is just NOW feeling bad for not being present in the lives of some of his children. The man has 7 kids(me being the oldest) with 4 different women for goodness' sake! I'm proud of my mom for being the only woman who was smart enough to not have more than 1 kid with him-yaaay mom! I can literally count on my fingers the times that he has interacted with me in my 22 yrs of existence...

1) me my dad and my next 2 siblings chronologically when i was 5 or 6
2)he came to my kindergarten graduation
3) he brought me a bday present in 1st grade (a doll that u could feed-it peed on him muah ha ha ha!)
4) he brought his entire side of the family to surprise me for my 2nd grade bday party
5) i spent a couple days with him and my next 2 siblings in Staten Is. one summer. too bad he was never actually around us, we were home alone or he dropped us off to this lady's house (he happens to be currently married to her btw)
5)high school graduation
6)high school graduation party
....yup, that's all i remember. Shameful on his part ain't it!

I mean yea, there were phone convos but they did not help our nonexistent relationship at all. Why the heck would you say to your child "I don't call you because you don't call me" ??? Really? Wow...

I have the kind of personality that allows me to easily adapt to situations presented to me, and 22 yrs was more than enough time for me to adapt to not having a father in my life. Honest to God I'm so glad that he wasn't present in my life. Not being daddy's little girl' or having a positive male role model in my life really toughened me up. If your own parent can go to sleep at night not knowing how their child is doing, why should I expect anybody else to care about me? Thanks to him I don't have lofty expectations of being cared about by others, I'm too much of a realist for that. Talk is cheap so people really do have to prove to me that they care. I try really hard not to put up a wall though, it's not fair to make others pay for his mistakes ya know. But when people do indeed wrong me, it's not a big deal because my father's abandonment already prepared me for it. I refuse to sit there in a bathrobe crying my eyes out in a pint of ice cream bc someone decided not to care about me. Quite frankly it's their loss. I know who I am and I know what I'm worth. Thus, I will not stand to be treated like crap. And I'm not going to be one of those weak minded people that waste time feeling bad because someone doesn't want to be in my life, I know dang well they're going on with their life without me so why shouldn't I do the same?

I stand by the theory that my dad is attempting to call me bc he feels like a douche for ignoring my existence, and he deserves to feel that way. I am a wonderful person. I have a big heart, I'm funny, I'm intelligent, I'm musical, I'm poetic, and most importantly I am a one of a kind child of God-He's the only father I need. As for my biological father-he's missed out on a lot that he can never get back or make up for. From my perspective, being a parent is a privilege and he gave up the privilege of knowing and being loved by me a long time ago. It was his choice and now he has to live with it. The Godly woman in me forgives him, but she sure will not forget...

The 2H Experience

2H is the headquarter of my core group of friends since college. I lived their with one of my besties Colbi my sophomore year, and 3 years later it became the home of so many more besties...and their friends...and their boyfriends lol. Now, most of the 2H inhabitants are weeks away from graduation so I thought it was only fitting to chronicle our time together.  Hmmm, where to begin about the 2H experience. Well, I can tell you that there's never really a dull moment. Even when it's uneventful, it's fun! That's how you know you're truly comfortable with someone-when you can collectively sit there with your laptops and do work...or get on Facebook ;-) There have been so many good times there: movie nights, baking, family din dins, game nights, shots!,venting sessions, cuddling sessions on the day bed, group hw time, doing each others' hair and makeup, the masquerade party, my surprise 22nd bday party, Rachel's surprise 21st sleepover (where we were surprised by 5 random guys lol), shopping, Criminal Minds marathons...the list goes on! I'll even miss the complaints about ppl not doing their dishes, or their chores in general lol. Oh and let's not forget the epic decorations like the Harry Potter and Twilight Saga posters, window drawings, picture tree, and let's not forget the rules! Ah yes, the rules...a late night/early morning concoction. Here are a few of my faves:

Rule #537: Do not take your pants off unless told to do so or if its Tuesday at 2pm.
Rule #12: When making animal noises, please impersonate the rest of the animal too.
Rule #86: If you choose to scare another apartment member, do so as creepily as possible.
Rule # 823 3/4: Do not walk outside barefoot, you will get an STD. That means you!
Rule # 813: If you say the word jizz you must then repeat it again by yelling it out the window.
Rule #673: If you see a member of the apartment on campus you MUST snap and dance like you are in West Side Story.
Rule #1: If you're going to be mean, share with the class.
Rule 371: We like musicals so once in a while just bust into song and dance.


I mean seriously, no other group of people could create such awesomeness!
On a more serious note, I use to cry as I prayed to have a legitimately good group of friends. I can honestly say that my prayers were answered when I met the 2H gang. I thank them so much for loving me, I really do. It saddens me that this experience is coming to an end but I wish them all the best in their future endeavors and can't wait to see the wonderful lives we all create for ourselves.  I know that life can, and probably will take us to so many different ends of the world, but I know in my heart that some of the people in this group will be in my life forever. I can't wait to grow old with them. So to Kristen, Rachel, Miriam, David, Jessalyn, Kevin, Brian, Jess Drap, Laura, Bryan, Julie, Anca, Catherine, Sharon, Ben, Becky, Paul, Danny,CC, and anyone I may have missed-I feel truly blessed to have shared so many wonderful times with you and I thank you for loving me <3 <3 <3