Emotionally Taxed

For the last couple of days I've been crying, for seemingly no reason at all. Sounds crazy doesn't it? I guess I've been crying at random times for a multitude of reasons, the main one being that I'm tired...

I'm tired of dealing with my father. He has never been there for me and I have become accustomed to that. I wish he would stop his current ludicrous attempt to form a relationship with me. He had the nerve to try to appeal to my being Christian and coaxing me to forgive and forget. Ha! Sure, the bible says to forgive but it doesn't say a damn thing about forgetting. I may forgive him in due time but forget-I can't and I won't. In all actuality, he hasn't even given me anything to forgive! He hasn't sown one bit of remorse for not being there, no apology, nothing. Sow hat am I supposed to forgive??? He also tried to tell me that it's God's timing that we reconcile. Well, if that were true then I would currently be open to reconciling with him-which clearly I am not. People have a habit of claiming their own agenda and timing as God's-he is one of those people. He also had the nerve to tell me that I'm not the only kid he has that is estranged-oh yea, that makes me feel sooo much better. What a douche. I heavily resent that he's blaming our estrangement on me. Me not wanting to reconcile with him at he age of 22 is his fault. I did not choose to grow up without him. He chose to ignore my existence. Now he must suffer the consequences.

I'm tired of feeling left behind. Those who know me very well know that there are circumstances beyond my control that have stopped me from leading a normal life. I haven't been afforded the rites of passage over the years that my peers have. I want to be able to live up to my full potential for once. I may be able to do that soon but my defense mechanism of not getting my hopes up only to be crushed, is kicking in. It doesn't help that a core group of my friends are graduating college in a few days and moving onto real life. They're just another set of people that  will most likely go on to be happy and successful and leave me behind. That's what my life has amounted to, getting close to wonderful ppl only to have them move on without me. I'm use to it but it doesn't get any easier. I'm happy for my friends but I don't want to lose them. I know our separation may not be intentional but it sure seems inevitable. When graduation happens in a few days, everyone will move back to their respective home towns, go to grad school or take a break and travel or begin working. And along the way they will make new friends, friends that will be close to them in proximity, and thus become the friends and eventually family that they choose to spend their time with. I understand that I could be jumping the gun because I might in fact keep these friends. But if you had the life that I have, you would opt to think pessimistically about this as well. I understand this evolution of relationships in life but I don't have to like it...and trust me, I don't.

I guess I've also been crying out of fear. I've always been stopped from doing from numerous things because of circumstances beyond my control. But if these circumstances clear up, I will no longer have an excuse to keep living the unfulfilling, mediocre life I've become accustomed to. If I fail at life once I truly start to live it, I alone will be culpable. It's quite a scary thought but I won't have a chance to succeed either if I don't realize that I'm capable and worth success, and try my hardest to achieve it. An Ingrid Michaelson song lyric comes to mind regarding this sitch "I want to change the world, instead, I sleep". I get so overwhelmed when I think of all the things I want to do and the person I want to be and sometimes I literally shut down and cry or sleep.  I've got to stop doing that and face my future head on. I've go to push through the current fatigue that is my life. It will be hard to do, especially since I feel virtually alone, but I have to dry my eyes and try...